Today, 1 November 2014, I am going to start blogging again after a pretty long hiatus.
I first started blogging rather diligently in 2005 or thereabouts. This was pre-social networks. I learned a great deal and WordPress then was pretty young compared to what it has become. I had quite a fright when I logged in again after such a long time. A little intimidated. I hope this doesn’t scare me into a stupor and I leave my website to languish.
I quit blogging in 2011 or thereabouts and had a lot of false starts before and after. I think the advent of social networks caused a lot of fragmentation in getting the message across. I still find this rather annoying and although I did try unifying my accounts at one stage, where if I tweeted it would post to my blog etc. etc. I didn’t like it. I found it very noisy.
At the same time, I was going through some pretty odd times. I started to close myself up a lot. A lot of things added to this cagey and suspicious me. It wasn’t very healthy but I guess things happen for a reason.
Besides that, I also felt my blog had reached a stage where I had lost the passion to write because I was so caught up with blogging right that I just failed to write. I wanted to get hits to my blog, I wanted to appear in search engines, I wanted to make money and I wanted to do all these other peripherals because some times one can get lost in such things and forget the reason they wrote.
Not only that, at that time, I had used my blog as an outlet for my grief and after awhile, it felt disrespectful to write about anything else. So I just used it to sort out my grief which was really, really helpful. However, I felt at the time I should let my blog go through a season of fallow before I started again and well, I just never started again.
It’s funny how when things are out of sight, they slowly go out of mind. In many ways, when I lost my connection to my blog, I lost a lot of me. I want to regain it somehow. I found that when I wrote my thoughts out, it helped me. It helped me to focus and to sort out the rubbish. I think I became wiser through writing. Or I found myself through my writing.
In a way, I feel like I have lost a lot of me. I feel I’ve become a lot less empathetic. But perhaps that’s the way the world is getting. Like I think these days, the world is going to end sooner than we think because progress doesn’t mean we are becoming better. I think we’re becoming a lot worse, a lot more disconnected and we’re de-sensitised in so many ways.
What will I try to achieve now when I restart this? First and foremost, it will be to write whatever comes to me. Obviously, I may or may not be more transparent although I want to be. Look at this first post. An achievement in itself in talking about my feelings and trying to be upfront. Yes, in a lot of ways, when I used to blog, I found it therapeutic.
These days, I wonder where all my time is. And so hopefully, through blogging, I’ll suddenly discover that I can do a lot more. I am crossing my fingers on this one.
As you can tell, this post is just going to be trying to let out everything. These days, I feel like I store up a lot internally – pent up anger, rage, sadness, happiness, questions, answers, angst, frustrations and it doesn’t go anywhere. It just stays inside me and it’s a bit overwhelming at times. Yes, I do tweet. Yes, I do post on Facebook but it’s not quite the same as blogging. I did try to start a tumblr too but that never went anywhere.
For me, tweeting is easy. It keeps me up-to-date on what’s happening around, like a news aggregator and I love that I can post short thoughts up. Although these days, I’ve noticed since I’ve stopped blogging, that my tweets turn into continuous rambles. I find tweeting has also trained me to be succinct (OK, fine, not so sure about this one). I do post on Facebook occasionally but that’s a really bad place these days. Friends and family you know on there judge you too heavily and assume certain things about you. It’s also a lot more personal for me than Twitter is. Because the audience ‘knows’ me in a way.
I have always wanted to vlog and I’m not sure if I’ll do any of that here in the near future. I mean, it’s always something else to put a video of yourself up on the internet. It’s revealing too much in some ways. But I’ve always been drawn to this idea. I’ve just never moved on from that. I like the idea of Vine because it’s short bursts of video but people get so creative on these other social networks (like Instagram) that you have no idea where or how to begin. At least for me. I’ve never thought of myself as a very visual person to begin with.
I am also going to try not to get caught up with following the trend these days with blogs and the need for pictures or to beautify things. Or the need to insert keywords or to link things or to get up with what is an attractive topic to write just to get more hits. I mean, I may head that way one day but I can’t allow that to happen if I hope to use my blog for certain purposes. Like sorting myself out. Perhaps, you might see a change from this post to the next or perhaps you won’t see anything at all. This may just die out or whatever. But I hope it doesn’t. I need this more than you know it.
One thing that I found out really got me stuck in the past was my need to footnote everything. I mean, it’s important to me that what I shared had some basis or was related to something I had read with some proof somewhere. I found this good but still harrowing. I started having to make sure that all thoughts were cited or something.
Anyway, I have a few ideas for blog posts. I hope I really get them out. Wish me luck.
Signed, sealed, delivered.