• pigduck
• Apr 28,2006
• In: Rants

Integrity

Hello, I am testing out a new theme. What do you think? I am liking this single column look.

I am quite troubled at the moment. Today at bible study, a lawyer came to talk about integrity in our lives. He was quite clear cut in his message and at the same time, he was able to punctuate it with personal experiences which made the topic even more hard-hitting and real. He listed out some of the ethical arguments, he listed 3 places where we should uphold integrity (workplace, home and society)… it was a good talk. Very thought provoking and it made me extra reflective tonight.

I couldn’t even stay for our usual “mamak” session because I was tired (I slept at 2:30am) and I was struggling with internal issues. I was in no mood for light chatter. I was actually happy before bible study started and then I became more introspective as the hours ticked by.

He talked of integrity in the way we carry ourselves, in our belief system and most importantly, not compromising like the world does. After all, God is absolute and we should not try to work our way around what God has laid out and determined.

I have to say that a few of the topics he touched on, were some of the issues that a friend of mine had discussed earlier this week over tea. Things like serving in Malaysia, homosexuality and probably some other things like family and things.

His views on homosexuality were kind of the same yet different from mine. He did use some of my arguments against me. Before I begin, I have to say that I have learned to see homosexuals as humans now. I was never ever able to really do that before.

I know many people want to define the boundaries of sexual orientation. I have decided (these are my own thoughts and nothing to do with the speaker) that defining ourselves is not a good thing. Why? According to my postmodernist ideals, I believe that love transcends the gender barrier. I came up with the idea below just before bible study.

This labelling process is only to inform us who we should have sex with. It is as simple as that. If sexual intercourse were not an issue, we would have no labels. That’s what I think anyway.

Therefore, we can love each other whatever the gender, we can be attracted to each other and have wonderful intimate relationships with each other, without boundaries. I sound so hippy. My definition of attraction does not necessarily mean sexual attraction; it can be mutual admiration, affection and intimacy on a non-sexual level. I am not excluding sexual attraction either. However, it should not be the main focal point of defining relationships.

Today however, due to the boxes we have created, we need to define same-sex or heterosexual relationships. This causes a lot of confusion among us because we think if we are attracted to someone of the same sex, it must mean we are gay. We can be attracted on a non-sexual level. We might love the person’s personality, character or charisma. It can even be shallower than that; I might like her hair, her facial features and it does not go further than that.

That is why I feel there are all these overlapping problems now. Homosexual couples want equal rights, they want to start families, they want the same laws applied to their relationships, etc etc…they don’t want to be seen as different, they want to be accepted as well. Exactly like my first point on this topic; they are human. It is a vicious result of labelling. That is my opinion tonight.

I watched an episode and a half of South of Nowhere today. There was a confused girl in that show who was finding it difficult to define her sexual orientation. It is just the idea of, where do I fit? Everybody else seems to know what they are but the general rule, as I see it, is once you believe you are a homosexual for example, you stereotype yourself. You believe you should be soft, tough, butch, etc. I’m not sure if it’s altogether healthy.

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All in all, the speaker today hit on a lot of points that I am struggling with. Integrity is actually a difficult thing. He was saying if you are not upholding your integrity, then you are basically sinning. Woah… waitaminute. That’s scary!

‘Cos I know some areas of my life, I don’t have integrity or it is at a minimal anyway. Maybe this is why I am not proud of myself in these areas. It’s like my whole life. Except that police summon I paid for… the full sum too! Yeah, the speaker mentioned traffic fines or undercutting or bribery… it’s difficult not to do this in the working world. Most of us treat it as the norm almost. Such a corrupt society we live in…

Anyway, I have a lot of learning to do… a real humbling process. I wonder why I don’t have much integrity in the office though. That is the big question. Maybe this is why I lose interest so easily. What makes Christians so … terrible? According to various people, those with most integrity in the office are non-Christians. What makes us different from them? Sigh. Maybe it’s the issue of pride… if I get proud in the work I do, then it will be self- praise, etc etc. Maybe we expect God to bless us with everything… who knows. I might have to continue this tomorrow. It’s already 2:40am.

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Dear Heavenly Father,

I have to thank you for today. Work was ok and things in-between was great too. Thank you for the speaker at YA today too. Very enlightening and something to really ponder on. I guess there are so many issues and I have so many problems that I view as almost impossible to fix. I hope you can help me in all these areas.

I really wonder whether I should attend the E06 conference as well. Just something. Yesterday the cell members were selling it… saying it will be fun and great and all that but you know that I don’t go by hype. I really want it to be something where I hear from you and learn from you and not go there for the fun of it. Or to mingle with others.

I know fellowship and community is part of your plan too but I don’t want that to be the focal point. Right now, I am leaning towards yes… and hopefully in the next day or two you’ll really imprint the answer. I don’t want to go because other people are going and I don’t want to be a sheep who follows them either. I really feel that if I go, I want to get something out of it. All in all, I don’t want it to be a “religious” experience but a powerful personal and spiritual one on one with you.

I also have to ask you why do you expect so much from us? I know you’re never changing and you are absolute, this is a good thing… at least you don’t waver with your decisions but it makes life so difficult some times. I know what is the right thing to do yet I don’t want to do it. I know I disobey you a lot of the time but really, your standards are something so maddeningly difficult to follow. But … I thank you that you set such standards for us. It shows we are worth something more… more than what people see in us some times and most of all, you do want us to be better.

I guess I am struggling with issues… humility, forgiveness.. so many things and hopefully, I will find the time to really turn to you, in proper honesty, to reflect and try my best to work it all with you. You do know that it makes things more difficult when you are in the picture right? hahah ‘Cos I always know you have something wise to say… and then I’ll be in turmoil ‘cos I might not agree with you… as is usually the case… then the arguments ensue but you know what, I’m glad you’re the wise one and not me… thank you Jesus. Let us all sleep peacefully.

I pray for Papa and his health… he didn’t feel too well tonight so I hope he’ll be able to sleep well tonight and really get enough rest. I hope you’ll watch over Mama too and give her deep sleep so that she’ll feel rejuvenated tomorrow… for the sisters and brother-in-law… I hope you’ll watch over them as they sleep and as they go about doing their thing tomorrow.

Thank you Jesus… for everything you’ve done and for everything you’re going to do AMEN!