• pigduck
• Aug 16,2006
• In: Rants

Shy & Not Communicating

I found this article the other day and I thought it was such an interesting read…

Overcoming Shyness in Dating
Neil Clark Warren
eHarmony.com
Did you know that for many people, shyness is the number one obstacle they have in their dating life? Imagine: they have lots of offers from attractive people, they live in an area where there are dozens of dating activities to enjoy, they can afford to date, and they have the free time. Yet their overwhelming shyness still makes it impossible for them to date without great pain. It is a common problem, and a very sad one.

The whole idea is to overcome that set of frustrating fears that currently have you kind of mired in an anxious, shy place.

1. If your shyness is currently keeping you from dating or is making dating a painful ordeal, I want you to consider getting five to ten sessions of counseling with a therapist who has a great reputation for helping people.

For this particular problem, I recommend that you not be in therapy for longer than five or ten sessions. I just want you to see someone long enough for you to investigate the roots of your shyness. I want this therapist to be the kind of person who can give you ideas and who can help you develop a plan for overcoming your shyness.

Overcoming shyness always requires courage. You need the encouragement of a person who is there as your coach. They give you encouragement and then they redefine the plan so that you know what the next step is for you to take.

2. Practice dating with someone who is not a potential partner for you.

Shyness is often the result of a buildup of interpersonal anxiety. What you fear is that you won’t be able to handle the interpersonal demands of the dating situation. This suggestion may seem so obvious to you that you will wonder why I’d take the time to throw it out to you, but here’s what it is.

3. I suggest you engage in something called “systematic desensitization.”

Now that’s a big long term, systematic desensitization. What am I talking about?

The theory is to pair up, in your mind, a very relaxed body and a vision or thought of the thing you fear so much. I want to get you as relaxed as I can physically, and then I want you to think about the thing you fear so much.

I extracted the interesting bits. I think I’m shy.

Then I came across 2 more very interesting articles…

Honing Your Communication Skills - Part I
Dr. Neil Clark Warren
eHarmony.com

Most people think their communication skills are just fine. It’s easy to progress through life as a relatively happy and productive person with poor communication skills. It’s the type of problem that erodes at your quality of life in subtle, indirect ways.

If your appendix becomes infected and starts to swell, you will know in short order. Before long you’ll be in the hospital taking care of a problem that has demanded your attention. Unfortunately for many, poor listening and poor communication skills never grab their attention in the same way. They unknowingly endure the consequences of an ailment they never even recognize.

Once you make a commitment to work on your communication skills the results are immediate.

Every relationship you have will improve. It doesn’t matter what relationship it is. It may be a relationship with your boss, a relationship with your closest friend, relationships with the other people on your softball team, or maybe a relationship with the eventual love of your life. Every relationship will get better, and then your own enjoyment of life is going to go up. I have to tell you that any person who is a great communicator enjoys life more.

You have the sense of getting more of the really important innermost stuff from inside of you across to other people. You have the sense of their not only receiving it, but understanding it and liking it, and more than that you have the sense of getting clear about your own inside world for yourself.

Your efforts at becoming a better communicator will straighten out the wrinkles of your life. Most wrinkles in life have to do with poor communication. When you aren’t very good at communicating with other people, then all kind of difficulties start occurring.

Four things are needed to be a great communicator:

1. You need to be able to access your innermost thoughts and feelings.  Now accessing your innermost thoughts and feelings should be easy, but it’s not.

2. You need to be able to identify and verbalize these thoughts and feelings.  The only way that I know to develop a better ability to verbalize your deepest thoughts and feelings is to practice reflecting on what those thoughts and feelings are until you really have a good hold on those thoughts and feelings, and then constantly practice trying to say what it is you think and feel.

3. You have to be able to accurately understand what another person is saying.  One of the things that our research has shown over and over and over again is that it’s not enough just to understand, or to try to understand, where another person is; you have to be able to accurately understand where they are. It is that accurate understanding of another person’s deepest thoughts and feelings that creates a feeling of connection and bonding.

4. You need to be able to make conversations as personal as possible.  In other words, when you’re talking to someone about the weather and they’re going off on a trip, if you can say, “Boy, I can hear some real concern for you about the high winds today, because you’re going to be out in your camper aren’t you?” All of a sudden, you’ve understood the concern they have about the weather. It’s not just concern about high winds, it’s concern about high winds that might affect them in some personal way.

Virtually every conversation you have, if you can not only understand what another person is saying, not only understand what your inner thoughts and feelings are, if but you can make it personal in some way, you turn an ordinary conversation into an intimate conversation. It is intimate conversation that makes people think of you as a great communicator.

Honing Your Communication Skills - Part II
Dr. Neil Clark Warren
eHarmony.com

Quality of life. We all strive for it. We plan for it. After 35 years of seeing patients as a psychologist, I have decided that there is one central factor that is germane to your quality of life. With it, doors will open, people will feel connected to you, relationships will flourish, and life will have more meaning. Without it, you become more isolated, less happy and influential.

Your ability to communicate is the key to your quality of life.

He then proceeds to give a few steps on how to become a better communicator in just 70 days…

I am a lousy communicator. I can’t seem to get deeper into any relationship or friendship… I don’t think I’m attacking points 3 & 4 well enough (in the Honing Communications articles). Ok, maybe point 2 as well.

This guy encourages visiting a therapist. How cool is that?

So I need to be more personable. Why am I so surface-y??