• pigduck
  • Aug 18,2006
  • In: Rants

Praises and Discipleship

I have never thought of the word “discipleship” much before. Today, we looked at it for bible study. I don’t think I’d be a good “shepherd” at all. What responsibility… I’d also be a very difficult sheep unwilling to conform… Jesus knew what He was doing with his 12 disciples… he was giving them authority to spread the “good news” and equipping them appropriately. He must’ve trusted their abilities…

How does one strive to do it? How does one push themselves to achieve it?

There was a new guy called Kelvin who was wearing the Man U jersey and it made me think of a friend who has the exact same jersey and name. It was so random. It suddenly struck me. Oddly, this actuarist studied in Melbourne too. I’m sure there are a lot of Kelvins who own the Manchester United jersey.

I thought I should mention that my dad went for his check up today and he came back with positive results. The best we’ve heard in a long time so we have to thank God for that. God is good.

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I’m not feeling too sprightly tonight. I was tired at bible study and then I had a minor outburst at the drinks table where a torrent of “uncalled for honesty” came out. Maybe it was the company but it’s not even half of what I’m feeling. I’m muddled up. I like to depress people or maybe I think people care enough so I tell any listening ears… maybe I just need someone who’ll listen… I think I know what I’m feeling but I am denying it to preserve just a teeny weeny bit of myself.

I think negativity sucks but I can’t not surround myself with it. I wish I could escape it but I can’t. People try to strip me of my very being and eventually all they’ll have is a person who sits and stares at her walls with no heart, no passion, no drive for anything. Maybe then they’ll be content. They won’t be.

I stuck up articles on “Honing Communication Skills” but my problem is a lot deeper than just bad communication skills. One has to understand why I am like this. People may say it’s all in the mind but the mind is a very strong tool. It makes you or breaks you.

I have trouble telling people what I feel and therefore, I avoid doing so thus avoiding friendships and conflict altogether. My defenses are at an all time high and I am resisting a lot of things; people, tasks, myself. 

In some ways, I can say I am unworthy, ugly and useless. Pathetic and poor would also be good words. My low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence confirms then my inability to communicate aptly.

I am stripping myself of these “personable” feelings because I don’t want to feel them myself. It could be a selfish thing or it could just be another channel of self-preservation. I don’t want anything to affect me so I don’t connect with myself or with others… thus isolating the problem and “not letting it affect me”. It’s obviously not working because although I’ve chucked it aside, it’s affecting me greatly.

I should see a therapist. The articles about “Honing Communications” recommend “seeing someone” …

Can someone recommend one in Malaysia? I did a local Google search and I came up with gay massage therapists, massage parlors, occupational therapists, physical therapists but no mental therapists. When I did a general Google search websites like, “Find a therapist”, “Therapist Finder”… came up.

Tonight, my cousin mentioned that gym membership is something that the society buys into. i.e “Kiasu-ism” reigns in this country and we think it’s cool to be part of a gym. She didn’t disagree which makes me wonder if Americans and therapists are the same. They may buy into the idea of “getting help” because it’s the “thing to do”. They should just do it the Asian way and just suppress it.

I am thinking what complex I have developed. Is it an inferiority complex?

I haven’t got any eating disorders or sleeping problems. I just have no friends and no mood to do much and I am guessing that’s not healthy either. I don’t think I’m interesting to people and people hardly interest me.

People develop eating disorders to control something. It seems I shirk at wanting to control anything. I wonder if this could be a disorder? It makes me indecisive and I wish not to get involved in any activity that may require me to control something. Hmmm… it is getting from bad to worse. Could this be a form of depression? I definitely should seek professional help. Am I crying out for help? Maybe. My my, what brutal honesty I am displaying tonight.

I don’t think my condition is self-inflicted. I do believe external forces were involved. How can I snap out of it? I don’t know… think positively? But what good is that going to do for me? How will that help me? Some times you just need people to believe in you… I don’t think anyone believes in me. They say that people will only believe in you if you believe in yourself first but it’s such a merry go-round. How can I believe in myself if no one does? And if I did believe in myself, I would be seen as obnoxious, proud and arrogant for not accepting constructive criticism. So it’s a no-win situation. What can I do about it? I don’t know. I’m trapped.

I’m acting as my own therapist but not coming up with solutions. I need professional help.

Indeed, I am sad.

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