• pigduck
• Aug 24,2006
• In: Rants

E06 - Day 2

Ok, so I got back from church about half an hour ago. I have to type this out now because I’m not going to be around tonight so I have to get this out now before I forget.

So, it started off pretty ok. I was able to wake up and I was pretty awake before worship. The 1st half of the day was pretty tiring… Pastor Nick spoke and it was ok… the elective I chose was a bit boring in my opinion or maybe I sat way in the back so it was difficult to pay attention… plus, i could have been hungry and then I felt ill because of that. Finally had some lunch and then continued with the conference.

The 2nd half of the day was where the intensity started. So we heard a story of a girl’s struggle with her family and there was talk of fractured or fragmented relationships in our lives that shape us or maybe the things we don’t deal with affect everything else and it starts a chain reaction in everything. So I held back some of my tears when the girl spoke her story. It was quite a story… and to have it acted out… hahah… amazing and to hear the story after of seeing some form of healing come.. it made me pretty amazed…

Then it came for sharing time and I didn’t know that we had to share about our own fragmented relationships! So everybody spoke and I was just amazed to hear everybody’s story… everybody has problems. Theirs more tragic, more painful and definitely more hurtful to deal with…. I thought I was ok… I was actually prepared to say that I didn’t write anything due to trust and insecurity issues… pretty easy and when it came to my turn, I again clammed up and had instead of saying nothing… I CRIED! Yuck. Not that it’s a bad thing to cry… I mean, I cry at movies ALL the time… even shows so I’m ok with that… it was just hard for me to open up… maybe I’m defending my actions now, eh?

I won’t blame anybody for the reason why I couldn’t say anything. I actually had it in my head what I was going to say… but it just didn’t come out at all… I think I squeaked out words like insecure, trust, myself (unable to trust myself to pen down anything), etc etc etc… it was awful… the facilitator seemed pretty kind about it telling me I wouldn’t need to say anything if I didn’t want to…. Then it was prayer time and then before we prayed I just told her if I wrote it down it’d be admitting things and maybe I like denial… who knows… The point of all this babbling is that I cried. Bah. I wasn’t sobbing… I just couldn’t get the words out.. maybe because I knew people in the group? But it’s ultimately not their problem but mine and the point of this is to realise that it’s me imagining problems, issues and such and unfortunately I do have a wild imagination.

My facilitator then started to say some of the things she noticed about me… she mentioned some words … I don’t think she could say what it was… apparently, i reminded her of herself and that I was a bit cold-hearted… I’m not offended at all… I can’t believe I give off such vibes!!! hahah and it’s not just one person who tells me this…but many… so I’m not surprised… well, i’m a bit ‘cos I only met her for the first time yesterday and it was yesterday that she said she saw that in me…I was probably throwing daggers at her for asking me to open up yesterday. HAHAHAH. Who knows but whatever it is… I knew I didn’t say much yesterday… so maybe she met a wall…

Anyway, she was also saying how it might be easier to write things down and I do write things down… hahah… maybe not in great detail but I do and at times maybe I am honest.

I know I’m not honest about how I feel and that’s denial isn’t it? Or I resist it but I am emotional ‘cos I cry at movies and I cried today but I’m still cold… Hmm… how does one give off that vibe? I wonder if I met someone else who was as cold as I was or less emotional or not able to display emotions… but these are all towards myself though but I’m sure I concocted it myself…

Ooh and the best thing was that I told her I might need to see a therapist… HAHAH I wrote that a couple of days ago…I hate crying… it stings.

I thought I could open up in the tiny group (there were 8 of us) but I couldn’t. I tried but I broke down. It might be easier to tell a bunch of strangers but it’s not. you would think it would be… and there are the trust issues coming out… I can’t even risk it with people I don’t know … imagine with people I know… I’m so cautious..I’d like to think I am cautious and closed up but it seems everybody else can read me like a book … people have an ability to understand me or they see me and can somehow get it and I’m amazed every time ‘cos I don’t think I can do that with people… my facilitator said I was introspective and I would like to think I am and she mentioned complex but I think I could just be confused… it could just be self-centredness.

I’m going out for dinner tonight and then I’m off to bible study. Just for awhile… this morning I was ill and thought how I’ve never done such Christian things for such a long period before…

I was thinking about this the last two days at the conference… it struck me that the people at the conference actually have given up three days of their lives to seek God… or to understand themselves and God and although I didn’t expect this, I thought it was interesting that we are such a small group who already have so much problems. I mean, if you listened to everything today, you’d understand… but imagine the people out there… those people who have a lot of problems but can’t give up their time… the people who attended the conference gave up their time… they did allocate some time and committed it to God but what about those people out there with their unresolved issues and suffering in silence and no one’s going to be able to offer them comfort and understanding? Or who are missing out? I mean we are a minority and for some of these people, they may like attending conferences of such nature because it’s cool or fun or wonderful or whatever people like camps for… but there are people out there who may have bigger problems and aren’t at church? How then?

Last night, I didn’t write about this but I slept pretty late because my brother in law came over and we were catching up… we mentioned my sister’s friend who had a supernatural encounter and it wasn’t a nice one at that but the point is, this person’s life is absolute madness… apparently some of the things that happen to her are so over the top and unbelievable bu they do happen to her… her life is a constant drama… and well, maybe she does need God and her family needs deliverance. That’s what I told him and it sounds so crazy some times … who knows who is messing with our lives… it’s like Job’s crazy life… but we do need God… and I hope we didn’t sound like hypocrites or extremely crazy fanatics because for people who don’t go to church much… I realised for them it’s still a religion and I can’t stand it when Christians have a superiority complex.. yes, I hate it when I’m like that but the truth is… people do need the Lord. I’m completely babbling here… i thought about it… I gave up my time for the conference but what about those people who dont’ give up their time but may need God more? Or maybe it’s us who go to conferences or camps or church…who are really needy. Since we are the ones who seem to have all the problems. I don’t know…

hahah I’m babbling … my eyes are so tired…