What eyes do we have??

It’s late now but I had to write down some things before I lose it.

My life since e06 has been pretty decent. I’ve been pretty contented with life and things have been going pretty smoothly. I had a good break and getting back into the swing of things wasn’t too difficult.

Last week, I spoke of a jolt in my life that might’ve happened and it could’ve happened but I stopped it from happening. Not that it wasn’t a good thing… change is always good but some times, we shouldn’t change for the sake of changing and neither should we run away from what we currently have just because we feel helpless to change it.

I wasn’t intending to blog about this but I will, just for my sake.

I met up with someone the other day and we had dinner. It wasn’t anything special, the dinner was so-so and we actually didn’t have anything in common to talk about. Well, we had one topic and that was it. It wasn’t like I was obligated to meet her but I did want to see how she was and I think I have a tendency to want to find out about people but am somehow unable to connect any deeper. I’m quite a surface person so even though I might want to find out how she was really doing, all I would be able to think of to say would be, “So how are things?” (i.e. very general)

Initially, it was awkward. I didn’t make it any easier considering how I lack the appropriate social skills to make people feel comfortable.

Luckily, she talked. I was actually sifting through topics of interest in my mind to find an appropriate subject but she managed to come up with a topic that was personal and well, personally, considering what a “general” person I am, it was cool but at the same time nerve-wracking ‘cos I have nothing to say to a lot of it. I mean, I’m just not used to people opening up to me… hahaha and it’s not like she opened that much…

After spending two and a half hours with her, I felt burdened. I came home and slept pretty early. I overslept this morning too so you can imagine the enormity of the burden.

I went to work and right from the morning, I felt pretty lousy. I spent my day telling everybody what a loser I was. I think two or three people can attest to that. I needed to hear words of affirmation that I wasn’t too lousy but no matter what, deep inside, I felt pathetic.

I am uncertain why this person’s words would have such great affect on me. It could be that she knows the inner workings of my mind since she reads my blog pretty often. At the same time, she had hints of truth in what she said… I believe she spoke with sincerity and also, a loving heart.

I have always held what this person said in high regard because I have always considered her as someone close to me… although after last night, I believe the dynamics of our relationship have changed because we are so different.

Maybe it was because of all these reasons, I felt moved. Throughout the day, I was trying to understand everything she had said and why I felt so heavy hearted. Could it because she had told me to relocate? Could it be that she trashed my morals and understanding of things? Could it be that she was so unhappy and upset? Maybe even bitter? Could it be that she made me feel lousy about myself? I know I’m not a high flyer but to have someone point it out to me makes it even worse. 

She wasn’t directly insulting me. In fact, there wasn’t a trace of that (my pseudo-therapist said it was my defense acting up) but I think it’s just the fact that she put down everything I stood for or believed in… it made me question why I believed in what I did…

I know there are truths in everything she said about life. And maybe that was why I was so confused and upset. ‘Cos I wasn’t doing anything for myself in that manner. I should just run away and start a new life somewhere else. It is not like I haven’t considered it. I have and I still do. The time will come for that but I don’t think it is now. Last night, I thought about it. Yeah, I should do things for myself, yeah I need to leave, yeah I need to be myself.

It was odd that when I shared my sentiments to someone else, she was confirming everything this person had said to me, that independence needs to come and we need to spread our wings and fly - To discover ourselves.  

It hurt me that everybody’s thoughts (fine, 2 people’s thoughts) went against my thoughts. It made me think that I was off and I had a skewed perception of life. I have been feeling this way for some time that maybe I’m the one with the wrong views.

Without a doubt, I was confused.

I decided to seek other people’s thoughts to see what they had to say and unfortunately, they too shared the same view as the two above.

I felt lousy for a good twelve hours today. I went for dinner with a heavy heart, even heavier than when it was at work because I was just sad with what people had to say. My dinner mate tried to cheer me up but I don’t think I’m easily cheered up by people.

I reluctantly made it to bible study. Trust me, I didn’t want to go. Last week’s session was on treasures and what we see as important in life. They concluded that God wasn’t asking us not to work hard or to enjoy what we’ve reaped and I had so many issues with those statements. Having grown up in church listening to people say that we shouldn’t be greedy or become distracted, I just didn’t know how by working hard, we could still stay focused on God. How does one enjoy their rewards and achievements without losing sight of God? I was pretty upset with last week’s bible study actually. I did take away one bible verse and that was,

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:21

I guess I wanted to be sure that my treasure was more than just money. I know that it is more than money but I get confused by external forces who would like me to believe that money is everything. Over the last few months, I have learnt to see that money is a lot of things… it buys happiness to an extent, it buys time, it buys stability.

It stresses me out that I am surrounded by people who say that I need to work hard to earn more money, etc etc. I’ve had people throwing bible verses at me about people in the Old Testament who’ve had to toil and work hard (e.g. Joseph).

The point is, my treasure, I concluded, was not just money… in fact, money was not a major factor. I grumble all the time about not making enough… I feel like that because other people make me feel like that.

Would I be willing to change my circumstance and make it better? Of course, but then that would require me to do things that I would feel would go against my beliefs. I feel if you work hard, you lose sight of God and I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen nice people turn nasty and even when we were growing up, you’d hear stories.

However, anything can lead your astray.

Man, how I have digressed. Back to this week’s bible study. As you can see, I was confused with last week’s bible study and felt that I would gain nothing out of this week’s bible study.

I sat at the square table stoic and unpenetratable. I had a wall up. During singing time, we sang Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus and that hit a nerve but it was just a nerve. Nothing deeper.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of the earth

Will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

We discussed Matthew 6:22-23 today.

“Your eye is a lamp for your body. A pure eye lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and plunges you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be! (NLT)
 

Since I was so reluctant to hear from God, I was actually falling asleep in class. However, i’m not sure what happened between 10-10:30 because some time then, I understood what God was trying to say. To me, anyway.

It’s not like those two verses are easy to understand. We talked about how ancient science explained the eyes, how the mind, soul and eyes were used interchangeably in the bible, how we should focus on God, how the world sees things differently, etc etc.

I wish I could replay the event here but I can’t. It was like the light was switched on and my mind felt clear again. Not clouded like how it was the previous night or throughout today. It was as if I understood why I believed in what I did and why I am the way I am.

People can say all they want about how wrong I am, how foolish I am and what a loser I am. I don’t blame them. I fall into that kind of mindset a lot of the time. Some times, I say it for the sake of saying it, most of the time I am affected by what people say.

The point is, even though this person I talked to for two and a half hours last night said a lot of things that hold water (i.e makes sense) they were very selfish thoughts. That word came to my mind last night and today too. I felt it was very self-serving but somehow I couldn’t place why I thought so.

It is not selfish to think about yourself but the problem is, it is.

In fact, the bible study teacher gave this verse from Judges after I shared how lousy I felt the whole day since I felt so pathetic and such a loser because I live in Malaysia but then realised after tonight that maybe, I was just being selfish…

In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit. - Judges 21:25

What we see fit may not be right…  

I mentioned last night in passing rather unassertively to this person that it’s not just about me but about family and even if I don’t play a major role, at least I know I’m there doing something.

The response I got to that was, people don’t ask you to play a role and you don’t do anything by staying there. It’s not an obligation. This from another person and not the person who put the burden on me.

I can say, “I want a better life, I want a better job, I want to be independent, I want to be this and that”… but do you see that there are a lot of, “i, me and myself”(s) ?

What I’m trying to say is that, my actions are not my own. Of course, we do things that affect us but ultimately, I can’t just think of myself because it’s not just about me. There’s my Heavenly Father too. I am responsible to Him and I am certain He has led me to where I am.

I mean, life would be so much easier if I moved out. Without a doubt. Life would be so dandy if I could live elsewhere. I wouldn’t feel so out of place or inadequate in a western culture for sure. I think I would be more of myself considering…

In fact, I was thinking just before dinner that maybe I am way too Asian because I placed family high on my list. I realised it wasn’t just family that I found important, it was God I found most important.

It could be that circumstances have made me stay, some people may even say fate and destiny but I am reminded that it’s more than that… it’s God. I have always believed that God called me back. Like I said, life could be easier if I moved out… I wouldn’t be so stressed all the time or feel so much pressure… living with the family can take more of your life than you know it. It can challenge you because you’re trying to balance being filial and being yourself. I obviously have not grasped it yet but it’s definitely a refining process. I have to say that staying at home has been a blessing in many ways. Sure, you feel taxed but then you get to be with people you love.

At the same time, God has been using me… in little ways and I don’t need anyone to tell me otherwise. God re-affirmed that tonight. The revelation between 10-10:30 tonight was just so clear. The word that comes to mind is clarity and I could feel the breakthrough. I felt so much peace and assurance.

“Your eye is a lamp for your body…” How do we perceive things? We can allow the devil to shade our eyes and block our view… we can let the things of the earth get at us, we can chase worldly virtues but how we see things is important. I’m trying to recall what was said specifically that made me see… we didn’t come to a conclusion and everything was said in bits and pieces since we were just discussing what the eye was and what it meant by lamp, etc etc… It is definitely by divine revelation for me and my case.

We can be bitter about things and gripe and groan and moan. I’m not saying I don’t do any of this. In fact, I’m really negative and it is a lousy trait but listening to the person last night, it affected me and burdened me greatly because it was so dirty. I will always remember John Bunyan’s “The Pilgrim’s Progress” and how the sin accumulates as a backpack (this was the comic version). He collects all these sins that weigh him down but when he reaches the foot of the cross, the sin is taken off his shoulders and rolls into a hole. To me, it felt dirty because it was self-serving.

Our perception needs to change … the eye can be pure or evil… we just have to pick which eye we want to see out of. The lens (apparently, at bible study, lens were mentioned but since I was so resistant and not paying attention, I didn’t even know - I only realised after enlightenment) needs to be corrected or changed. We can be myopic about life some times. We forget to look at blessings and some times we take blessings so bitterly and we shouldn’t. And this person has so much to be thankful for if only she can see that.

Even in our smaller groups we were focused. I was wide awake by then and I actually asked how does one gel working hard and serving God? You know, I have never heard so many, “It’s good to work hard” talks in my life until now. I mean, this year has been about working hard at work and it’s ok to skip bible study for work or it’s ok to do your best at work… this means that we have less time for church, it’s ok. That’s what I’ve been told because ultimately, you’re still serving. (Think Joseph who worked hard - unfortunately, joseph has been mentioned a lot too) 

I heard from two people who said that it is difficult but it is possible. It’s late now and I can’t remember what they said but it was very sensible talk and wise.

I have to thank God for enlightening me. I had become a bit too self-centred because I thought I should be thinking about myself. It’s not like my life will stay like this forever. I believe in seasons. Who knows what will happen a few years down the road, maybe even a few months? God knows and I’m not going to go through my journey not asking Him. Even when i was unsure with direction, I never sought help and that was my mistake.

So I have been floundering alone. I need a life jacket, God… throw me one, please.

The one song that came to my mind tonight was, “Awesome in this place…”

As I come into Your presence
Past the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Till we’re standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the fullness of Your grace
And I can only bow down and say

You are awesome in this place
Mighty God
You are awesome in this place
Abba Father;
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place
Mighty God

Thank you God…

Edit: Plus, I’m not dissing anybody else’s choices. I could sneer and look down on other people’s decisions but I won’t because ultimately, this very long story has nothing to do with other people. I have to remind myself time and time again that I am worth more than I think I am. God has to remind me time and time again that He holds me in His hand and that I am not alone. Approval should never come from man and even though I may seek this often, feeling swayed by other people’s thoughts, in the end, we need to keep our eyes heavenward to have a clear mind.

God will lead other people in other directions. What I have written is my journey.