In Loving Memory - 2 Months and 7 Days

If some of you had come to my website a few days ago, you would have noticed that I had complained of my missing “In Loving Memory - 1 Month and 28 Days” post. My tech support helped retrieve it for me but in the process, deleting my “In Loving Memory - 2 Months and 1 Day” post. It’s ok though. The latter post was really just a recap of my lost but now found post.

It has been two months and my little sister and I visited my dad on Sunday (dec 2, 2007). It was a gorgeously hot and sunny day and normally, I’m not one for scorching weather. We took some pictures (with my brand new camera that I bought the day before) and had a ball of a time. I really liked it. Somehow to me, it felt very comfortable to be there by my father’s grave.

I have always wondered about people who say things like how they can feel their missing loved one around them or the spirit is close. I have never really felt that since Papa died. Some times it feels like he is out of the house, other times I tell myself he’s dead and he’s not coming back.

How can people say they feel the spirit of their loved one? I know my father has left and has gone somewhere else and I have to remind myself he is not coming back and that is the hard part.

I really miss talking to him about everything. I miss him being there to listen to us, to smile or to do his little antics. I miss him at dinner and I miss our little disagreements at dinner. They were fun and although other people couldn’t stand it, it was our way of communicating and it was over silly things too.

I miss dissecting events with my father and during the wake and funeral, I really felt the void he left because I wanted to tell him everything and discuss and talk about everything from how the wakes went, how we cried and who came and paid their respects to the casket and the floral arrangements to the white decorations.

I wanted my dad’s opinions on all these things and sadly, he wasn’t here to offer it. I wanted to hear his thoughts on the hearse stopping traffic and on the burial grounds and what he thought of the area and how he was related to the people who came. I miss all that. I really really wanted to talk to him then and to hear what he had to say. A few times I expected him to waltz through our front door, sit down and talk about what happened or to hear his voice when we were talking… oh, how I miss those sessions with him! It felt incomplete without his thoughts and comments.

Then we had a cousin’s wedding a few weeks later and it was hard to celebrate. I recall my cousin talking to my dad about his wedding plans way back on Papa’s birthday in the hospital and at the time I remember thinking, will Papa be able to attend? I wanted to talk to my dad about all that had happened there too, what could have been better or how much we enjoyed the buffet spread. It was at those moments, I missed him most…his presence during and after things have happened.

I miss him at home too. I miss him being at the computer table playing spider solitaire or watching tv or talking to Mama or getting ice cream or stealing a gulp from a soft drink. I miss him walking to the kitchen to get supper with his slippers and pyjamas. I miss watching sports with him and asking him silly questions about golf and watching breaking news with him… I miss him at the dinner table. I miss his voice.

Papa did a few things with us that he had never done with us before. In August, we went out to watch Rush Hour 3 together in Singapore. That was nice and quite pleasant even though we were on the 2nd front row. It was a funny movie.

The weekend before my father passed away, we watched Evan Almighty and Amazing Grace together. It was great. I learned so much from those movies about prayer, faith and living for God.

I some times wonder what went through my father’s head in the last few months. Did he know when he was going to die? Did he have an idea? Well he must’ve since he did tell my sister a few days before passing away, “I’m dying already…see, I cannot breathe”…

Was he excited to meet God? Was he thinking… what is it going to be like when I see God face to face? Was he ready? 

We tried to watch a DVD called “Psalm 23″ too but it was really boring… to be honest. I won’t lie. We tried to watch it but had to stop it twice ‘cos we just couldn’t continue with it. And so we stopped the DVD to watch “The Break Up” and another movie that I forget now. Yes, The Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston was one of my father’s last movies he watched on Asto. :)

Those last few days, my father struggled so much to walk, to breathe, to stand… we helped my dad and he couldn’t say much but it was ok. We loved him enough and wanted him to just rest and take it easy but he still tried to do things on his own…

I think of him in his last month here with us, his readiness to leave because of the excrutiating pain and how tired he was of the endless hospital visits and the waves of bad news that he couldn’t shelter himself from or wish away. No, he had to stand there and let it bash and hurt him over and over. One can only take that much.

Related Posts

If you like this blog please take a second and subscribe to my rss feed

Comments: No comments, be the first to comment

All the fields that are marked with REQ must be filled

Leave a reply

Name (Req)

E-mail (Req)

URI

Message