• pigduck
• Jan 2,2008
• In: Family, Spiritual Affairs

In Loving Memory - 3 Months

It’s been 3 months since my father passed away. I was thinking this morning how it’s only been 3 months. Quick but still feels like forever… and life just carries on. Very strange.

I still think of my father’s last moments on earth and I wonder what happened after he left his body? What did he see? What did he feel? Could he see us crying?

We visited my father’s grave on Monday (31st December 2007). It was a hot, sunny and long drive there but when we got out of the car to walk to my father’s resting place, clouds came up and it wasn’t sunny. When we started our journey home, the sun came out again.

Life has been different without Papa around.

Last night we had the New Years Party dinner. My mother couldn’t attend ‘cos she was feeling under the weather. Besides being ill, it’s still very difficult for her. Everybody seemed quite happy and jovial. Maybe they were trying to be happy.

We started off by singing one song, “Thank You, Jesus” and I couldn’t sing the song ‘cos I was trying to stifle a cry. Then when my uncle started praying, tears sprung to my eyes as he remembered my grandparents and now, my father. Especially when he remembered my father. My grandfather passed away on January 3 many many many years ago (the defining moment when I started worrying about the death of my parents) and my grandmother passed away in March many many years ago. I wonder if people noticed me dabbing my eyes after the prayer?

I didn’t really have an appetite and I had to worry about making sure my frozen chocolate covered bananas came down in time (which it didn’t) and also that my mom got fed (’cos I had to bring her food). To top it off, they had to play “Actionary” as a clan which was so difficult to sit through.

We played it many years ago and my father was always remembered for the word “Cheese” (which I don’t remember personally but other people do) which he acted out by pointing to my mother, pretending to eat something and waving his hands in front of his nose and doing a “it’s smelly” gesture. My mother hates cheese. I don’t think anyone got it and that’s why it’s so memorable. I think. 

The game last night was very long, draggy and noisy. It was like a typical fish market with 20 shrill and booming voices going at it all at once. I couldn’t quite enjoy it. I was sitting quite sullenly, looking at my uncles and aunties and thinking what it would have been like if my mom and dad were there. I couldn’t quite picture it. I had a hazy image of my dad, sitting and standing up with his mouth wide open laughing but nothing quite concrete…

Some times I wonder if all these feelings of sadness are self-imposed. I bet you there will be people in this world who believe, “Yes, you are only bringing this upon yourself”… but how can you not feel different when things have obviously changed?

Did I tell you about my sister’s Christmas gift to us? She made us all a 2008 calendar with pictures of our family in them…. of my father mainly. A really nice calendar. Staring at it makes me feel wistful.

This Christmas and New Year to us as a family was a non-event. I couldn’t even smile when I heard fireworks on New Years. It didn’t feel like Christmas and neither did it feel like a new year. My mother recalled last year’s new year when she and my dad went to church for the midnight watch service and then adjourned to my uncle’s place for supper. I remembered last year too. We drank sparkling juice and when my older sister and brother came home we went to my uncle’s place to eat too.

I have allowed myself a 3 month mourning period on this blog. I wish I had written more the past 3 months but it wasn’t easy to write. I wanted to do a video ‘cos I thought I’d be able to express myself better by just rambling on and on… but I didn’t do it. So from here on, like everything that moves on, I hope to slowly return to normal programming.

I still cannot believe it some times. That my father is no longer here on earth and that his body is 6 feet under. It is all so surreal.