I have been meeting to write a bit of “What Happened in 2011″ for me in my life but I never got to it and I became very distracted and scattered in December, especially near the end of it when I had so much free time on my hands.
I was upset at things and people around me, blaming them for keeping me away from meditating or thinking. I was angry but having now realised, it could have just been me that found it difficult to spend time in the presence of God.
It could be my sin and my heart that wanted to pretend on a superficial and self-righteous level that I should spend time with God to reflect on 2010 and 2011. Within me, it was probably also my sin holding me back from spending time in God’s peace.
Yet God in his amazing grace, still allowed me to be used even though I didn’t know I was a tool for His glory, to help and prophesy to others. Prophesy here was not to be a fortune teller but to comfort someone. It was not a supernatural moment although I believe God was using me to reassure and bring this person back to Him. It was not like that person accepted it either but God had to continually reassure them until they came to a point where they could not deny God was targeting and asking them to return to Him.
I guess for me, it was just real curiosity rather than a desire to be of service. But I could quite recognise His hand on the situation and it was confirmed on some level by other person. It wasn’t like I even wanted to be used. If He had asked me whether I wanted to be His instrument I would have flat out said No because I know myself and how rotten I am.
It did not help that I did at some point feel like I was sinking further into the depths of darkness rather than floating to the top.
So it is no surprise when this person spoke to me informing me that I had a gift that I took note of it and after that night, could not help but acknowledge that God had spoken. It is surprising that when you hear His voice, at an instant, you are brought back into His holy presence and suddenly, nothing else matters yet again and you are at attentive to what He has to say.
In some way for this person, having immersed into the God’s presence, should only have their heart tuned in to God’s frequency, which was why when then they said what they did, it was as if God was pointing out something. He didn’t stop there. Throughout our conversation, where I was doubtful, He used certain Bible verses to confirm that what I was thinking or feeling was Him and I really should not be so pathetic but to believe.
This person had said I might have a gift, a gift to bear burden. What a terrible gift I know! But when I thought about it I recalled many years ago, while studying the Beattitudes, that someone had casually mentioned that I had a gift of one of the Beattitudes..
“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” – Matthew 5:4
It was rather similar to what this person had said and I couldn’t help but wonder after our conversation if it was true. I did a bit of reading through Google and found out that yes, I did seem to have a sensitive spirit, one that may have a heart for the strangest things and that God honours… it is weird to think that God honours sadness.. and He will fill us with comfort and joy. Actually, thinking of it now, I think it’s quite awesome. 
I guess it is hard to go into much detail now about what the gift entails or involves but all I can say is that on some level, yes, I seem to have captured this Beattitude quite well. I am in no way elevating myself. But I am acknowledging that this is from God and no one else. I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know if I will hone the gift or this Beattitude or I will forget it and brush it aside but I thank God for calling me back. After hearing His voice that night, it was like a click or a switch and I knew I was back in a right place with God, not from my own doing because if it was on my own merits, I would have faltered and be quite lost but no, through God’s grace and His mercy in my life, that I can recognise His voice. I guess on some part it takes humility but I can’t think how at the time I was humble.. but perhaps I was curious and that helped me put everything aside to see what God had to say.
It brings me to a thought of someone I know who talks a lot. This person likes to say things that perhaps sound good on the surface but has no substance in it. I had noticed this for a few months but since I hadn’t seen them for a few months and had recently crossed paths again, I noticed it was worse than usual and it was confirmed in the past week that although they like to say godly things, or things that seem so awesome and wow, it is through their life that you will see that they do not have their head on right and will need to seek God again. I just feel that if you were so in tune, you would not speak to butter up people but you would speak and live, in fact, you would not need to live by any standard because God would make sure that your life would be a testament to His awesome. We do not need to put that on or say things because God would make it evident. Perhaps at a time, God had shown Himself but not the last few times I had seen and they were grasping or perhaps, just lost themselves.
It is sad when we think we hear God but actually we do not. It is so important we don’t trick ourselves into believing we hear Him.