It’s the middle of Passion Week. It’s also really late – 1:43am so I might start rambling.
Recently, to get myself to say The Lord’s Prayer, I’ve had to key it into my calendar and set a reminder every day to say it. You would think I love God enough to do it automatically. Instead I key it in to the calendar. What kind of child am I? I might start scheduling in The Jesus Prayer mid-day too so I say that. I think they are both helpful prayers. They keep me focused on what is important. Who is important.
I watched The Young Messiah last night. It was interesting to see what Jesus might have been like when he was a child. Good movie. I liked how they personified evil. Loved the controversial, “did Jesus know He was the son of God the entire time?”
I spent a lot of time tonight pondering on a few things. Or keeping myself distracted. Obviously not the best way when there are better things to do. Work can make me think of a lot of things but I feel I came to a conclusion I approved of. And that is to focus on the others and not myself. Because when the spotlight is on me, I get very uncomfortable, falter and freeze. I don’t know what it is. But I feel more at peace with this than thinking of myself because when I think of myself I see impostor, fraud and inadequate. I’m not sure it’s low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence or as someone pointed out, avoidant personality disorder. Whatever it is, its nerve wracking and makes me anxious just by the thought of it. So focus on others. Enable and empower them. I’m very grateful that there are people who see me for skills I have – i.e. I listen well. I have been told that many times. It must be true. Some times I need affirmation too.
I realise how much wisdom there is when we are close to God. It’s as if everything is right. I talked to someone recently who tried to advise and he was completely off and I definitely felt I knew more than him about the ways of the world. I think if we stick close to the one who designed the world, we’ll understand how it works.
Dear Heavenly Father, give me peace and courage to do and say the right thing. Help me to keep you the centre of my life in everything I do. I thank you for all the blessings in my life. For people who appreciate me, for people who see me and for their belief in me. I thank you also that I can do the Stations of the Cross this week. I feel it has really helped me to see what you have done through biblical texts and I am grateful for this time I can spend with you. Help me to understand more the magnitude of what you did for us and help me understand it so my heart is changed forever. I don’t want to fear for what I do not know. Please keep me hidden in your wings, protected and safe. I pray for everyone I love that you will protect them too.