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More Like Jesus

I came across a really interesting picture if you will of what people who hate Christians think of Christians. Admittedly, this hits rather hard.

I ain’t an upper middle class American but I must say that this does not exempt me from such tardy behaviour. Yes, I am guilty.

In Loving Memory: 6 Months

2 weeks ago, I picked out a book to read called, “My Best Friend’s Girl“. It’s about a girl who takes legal guardianship of her best friend’s daughter after her best friend dies.

Now, I didn’t know that this book had someone dying of leukaemia. All I knew from reading the back cover was that this girl’s best friend was dying. I remember reading the book and bawling when the best friend dies. It was just so sad I couldn’t help myself. I burst into tears, sobbing and pining. All this in the middle of the night.

It came at a time just before the memorial service and it was good I had a moment to reconnect with all those emotions.

Today marks the 6th month that my dad is no longer with us. 6 months. Time has stood still and flown by.

Yesterday, I previewed a snippet of Mariah Carey’s new song, “Bye Bye” from E=MC2. When it started, I was a bit skeptical but when it came to the bridge/ending, I was suddenly moved to tears. Literally. It was a rush of emotions. The song is “for those who have lost a loved one.” When I first heard of this track a few months back, I thought Mariah would write a very personal track about losing her father but I didn’t imagine it would be as anthemic or as universal as this. What made this snippet so amazing was the emotion that just flowed through her voice. I hadn’t seen the video preview yet at the time, just heard the sound snippet and I choked. When I went back to listen to it later, I still felt that choking feeling and not only that, it is the harmonies and the melody that really moves me. I cannot wait to hear the whole track in its entirety.

I was also given the privilege to preview, “Feast of Love” yesterday and somehow, when I do preview movies, the themes always involve death, loss, grief and love. This was no exception.

The movies I previewed previously were “The Pursuit of Happyness“, “Charlotte’s Web” and “Catch and Release“.

So I was feeling a bit melancholic yesterday.

I some times worry that there might come a time where I will forget Papa and the memories I have of him will fade. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, Papa. Missing you. Thank you.

In Loving Memory: Where is God When it Hurts?

Last year, when we’d first found out my dad’s diagnosis, my youth leader passed me Philip Yancey’s ”Where is God When It Hurts?” book. I chucked it aside and didn’t think of reading it. Who had time to read amidst everything that was going on at the time?

When my dad was first admitted into ICU, I sat at home, praying and thinking of Papa and the pain he was going through. My mind wandered to one phrase, “Where is God when it hurts?”

Then, I remembered the book. So I went in search of it and started reading about pain and God. How could God let His people experience pain? Where was the justification in that? Why did we have to suffer so much? Philip Yancey’s “Where is God When It Hurts?” presented an argument that if I remember correctly were along the lines of, “Pain is good.” I know, “say what?”

You’d have to read the book to gain a better understanding of what Yancey was trying to convey. He gave examples of people who could not feel physical pain and how destructive that was. We should be blessed we can feel pain because pain tells us what is wrong in our body, it alerts us. Pain, suffering and loss are also not punishments from God. Also we should hold on to the power of hope and that we are not alone on this frightful journey. That God knows what we are going through here, the pain, suffering and loss that we experience on earth because He went through it too.

Speaking of which, I attended church on Easter Sunday and it was one of the most powerful messages to date. Isn’t it funny that we forget what the essential message is most of the time? That we forget so easily and constantly what Christ did for us? Maybe it had to do with the pastor telling the story or the graphic pictures displayed on the screens but the message of the cross is that powerful, that moving and that painful to hear and to watch. Jesus Christ did suffer so much for us. The middle-aged man sitting next to me kept wiping his tears with his handkerchief, the woman in front of me, tissue in hand, was sniffling away and I too unexpectedly started to tear and wanted to sob.

Links to some articles that I came across today that made me write this post:-

- Where’s God When It Hurts? In the midst of pain, it’s hard to see the good.

- Where is God When It Hurts

- A Book I can Highly Recommend. Where is God When It Hurts?

- Where Is God When It Hurts?

I did like the book.

In Loving Memory: 5 Months and 22 Days

We had a memorial service for Papa and the grandparents yesterday (March 22, 2008) in our house. It was beautiful and very meaningful. We sang 5 songs - “Give Thanks”, “What a Friend we Have in Jesus”, “Blessed Assurance”, “In the Sweet by and by” and “Still”. Some of Papa’s friends came too and we got to share our memories of Papa and also of Ah Poh and Ah Kung. The Pastor Teoh who prayed for Papa the weekend before Papa passed away came to give a little sermon and I think he’s quite nice. All in all, it was a really nice, cozy gathering. We got it on video so I might post it up when I have time.

In the mean time, here’s what I said yesterday:-

The last 5 and ¾ months have been different and difficult. In the beginning, eating dinner was hard because I sit opposite Papa at the table and I could imagine him sitting there, looking at himself in the mirror, talking to us. He used to finish way ahead of us. He used to sing a song while passing out vitamins at dinner, “One for you, one for me… “
The house is a lot quieter now too. One of the things I miss most is hearing Papa’s slippers in the house. He had a distinct walk and it was very slow… from the kitchen to the living room… to the kitchen again where he’d sit and play spider solitaire. I still believe Papa should be awarded the “Played the most Spider Solitaire Award”.

I miss watching breaking news with Papa. I miss asking him mindless questions about golf, like “where’s Sergio Garcia?” and “what’s a birdie?”

You know, he loved and was concerned about all of us. I remember one instance how he dashed out of the house when he heard Apple screaming from the gate that she’d been robbed. I was sitting in the living room and the next thing I heard the door slam. I had to ask Carmen, “What happened and where’d Papa go?” ‘cos he had run from the kitchen where he was playing computer to the front door in a few seconds. Then when uncle CS got a stroke, even though Papa was sick, tired and weak, he still drove Uncle CS all the way to the hospital himself.

One of the things I never realized is how much Papa taught without saying anything. He taught family values, that family was always important. He loved us all in his way. He was always happy when the family was together. I remember last year in August, Papa was so happy when we, Carmen and I, followed him and Mama to Singapore. He was chirpy even though it was early in the morning and in the van, he was calling me his “little pig”. That trip was one of the better trips because Papa was feeling quite well and he’d even driven us to Newton Circle to eat. We did quite a lot of things that trip – watched a movie in the cinema (something he’s never done) and it was also funny because Papa made fun of Mama’s singing.

Papa left a lot of good memories. The weekend before Papa passed away, he was at home resting and requested to watch Evan Almighty. So I went out to buy it and bought Amazing Grace too. We watched both movies with him that weekend, something we never did either, and they are both very meaningful and faith-based movies. I’m really glad Carmen and I got to watch these two movies with Papa.

Papa was very brave. Although he didn’t like rollercoasters, he was brave when it mattered most. When he fought for his life, he fought for us. I am very proud to be his daughter. He went through so much and not many of us can go through that with our head held high and with our faith intact.

Easter is so significant. It is because of what Christ suffered on that cross for us, we have eternal life. I can’t help but thank God because our memorial service falls on Easter weekend. To know that Papa accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour means so much because first, I believe that Papa is in a better place and second, I know I will see him again.

I find today significant because this time last year, Papa’s blood counts started to rise. It had stayed at 0 for over two months. It was like a beacon of light shining through the dark. It was hope. I remember how happy and joyous we were. Papa was so happy to hear this that when the nurse came to tell him his blood counts had gone up that day, they hugged each other because it was good news. The next week, March 28, 2007, Papa came home after staying at the hospital for two months.

In April last year, we celebrated Papa’s homecoming after his long and harrowing 2 month hospital stay. It was also Easter weekend. We had a mini party and we were thankful to God for allowing Papa to come home and for bringing him through that time.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that we are celebrating Papa’s life this Easter weekend. Just like how it was not a coincidence last Easter when we celebrated Papa’s homecoming. I see it as a reassurance and reminder from God that He is with us and that Papa is safe. Like the song, “Because He Lives,”

And then one day, I’ll cross the river,
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict’ry,
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Thank God it’s Good Friday

A really good article on why commercialism has not gotten a hold of Easter yet. Some of my favourite quotes from the article:-

…The Easter story is relentlessly disconcerting and, in a way, is the antithesis of the Christmas story…

Even agnostics and atheists who don’t accept Christ’s divinity can accept the general outlines of the Christmas story with little danger to their worldview. But Easter demands a response.

It’s hard for a non-Christian believer to say, “Yes, I believe that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified, died, was buried, and rose from the dead.” That’s not something you can believe without some serious ramifications: If you believe that Jesus rose from the dead, this has profound implications for your spiritual and religious life—really, for your whole life. If you believe the story, then you believe that Jesus is God, or at least God’s son. What he says about the world and the way we live in that world then has a real claim on you.

Easter is an event that demands a “yes” or a “no.” There is no “whatever.”

Isn’t that true? Although Christmas is the birth of Christ, it is what He did 33 years later for us on that cross, where He suffered and died… actually, why are we even celebrating so much suffering?! All this makes Easter even more mind-boggling but more intriguing. Is that an oxymoron?

Down with the Easter bunnies!

Thank God it’s Good Friday

A really good article on why commercialism has not gotten a hold of Easter yet. Some of my favourite quotes from the article:-

…The Easter story is relentlessly disconcerting and, in a way, is the antithesis of the Christmas story…

Even agnostics and atheists who don’t accept Christ’s divinity can accept the general outlines of the Christmas story with little danger to their worldview. But Easter demands a response.

It’s hard for a non-Christian believer to say, “Yes, I believe that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified, died, was buried, and rose from the dead.” That’s not something you can believe without some serious ramifications: If you believe that Jesus rose from the dead, this has profound implications for your spiritual and religious life—really, for your whole life. If you believe the story, then you believe that Jesus is God, or at least God’s son. What he says about the world and the way we live in that world then has a real claim on you.

Easter is an event that demands a “yes” or a “no.” There is no “whatever.”

Isn’t that true? Although Christmas is the birth of Christ, it is what He did 33 years later for us on that cross, where He suffered and died… actually, why are we even celebrating so much suffering?! All this makes Easter even more mind-boggling but more intriguing. Is that an oxymoron?

Down with the Easter bunnies!

How Great is Our God

This video is so inspirational. A must-watch.

This is a story about a man that loses his faith after the death of a loved on. He begins to question everything he has ever know. In the end he realizes that it is his faith that saves him.
- polatka

The 2nd video is ”How Great is Our God” in sign language. Absolutely beautiful. I’ve always loved sign language worship. It’s so graceful to watch and it really does speak to you. I liked this because they filmed it during a church service so it was more serious than the rest but I have to say… there are a lot of sign language videos for “How Great is Our God”.

Third video is “How Great is Our God” black gospel style. Look at that men’s church choir. Amazing. You definitely get a different vibe from this one.

The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice

How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all who sing
How great, How great
Is our God

Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
You are Worthy of all praise
and My heart will sing how great
Is our God

A Testimony about Death, Love & Grief

Rick Burgess, of the Rick & Bubba Show, took the opportunity to speak at the memorial service for his son William Bronner Burgess, who had accidentally drowned in the swimming pool at their house. I have to agree with so much he had said and more so, he said it so eloquently and even at such a time, he can give God all the glory. This is a testimony of faith.

Part 1 

Part 2

Part 3

In Loving Memory - 3 Months and 14 Days

If you’ve been following the news, you would have read that former Indonesian President, Suharto, is in grave condition.

He’s been fighting for his life for the past week and a half. He’s been in intensive care with multiple organ failure receiving dialysis and medications for his heart and lungs. He’s also on a ventilator and getting blood transfusions. They are now trying to stave off a sepsis infection and pneumonia.

He’s got a team of doctors making sure that he gets the best possible care. Funeral arrangements have been made due to his very unstable condition. He’s 86.

Isn’t it sad how the infamous president of Indonesia, the powerful man who amassed so much in his life time, who helmed Indonesia for over 30 years, has to wither away with the whole world watching. It’s his most private moments exposed. It isn’t very … pleasant, is it? Reading the daily report of his deteriorating progress. An oxymoron.

When I read of the news, it arrested my interest, not because of who he was. His legacy was not in my era but it was his failing health that piqued my interest. As grotesque and morbid as that sounds.

I can relate to his case. It sounds all too familiar.  

My father made it quick and easy for us though, right to the end. And maybe, we made it easy for him too, knowing it was time for him to stop suffering, to stop fighting for us and  to go.

Of course, my father held no titles, was not a head of state so it is different in that respect. 

In my mind I wonder, does Suharto have a lot of things left that he cannot leave in peace and that’s why he’s clinging on so tightly? Are his loved ones allowing him to go? Maybe it’s the ones who want him to be put on trial that’s delaying his departure. But seriously, what can he do now? I know it’s about being justice being served but suffering from blood infections and pneumonia is bad enough, having to be artificially supported by a machine to breathe is bad enough. Life’s like that. It’s not as fair as we hope it to be.

—————————————–

I was reading the Star at breakfast and came upon this article in the submissions page, “Abdullah, a very caring premier.” Reading that brought tears to my eyes. From a patient’s view, something we don’t see very often. I will re-post it here.

Abdullah a very caring premier

I AM a Malaysian Indian stricken with both multiple myeloma, a type of bone marrow cancer and leukaemia. I thought life was over as I had no means to go overseas or seek treatment. 

In desperation, I wrote to the Prime Minister. I was laughed at and told that my letter would be thrown away as I was an ordinary citizen with no political connection. I was shocked when I received an immediate reply from the PM and the director-general of health.

How can anybody lament on being marginalised when even an ordinary Indian man like me was treated like an important person? 

Here we have, in Dr Chris Anthony’s words (The Star, Jan 1): “The greatest asset we have today is our Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.” He loves and cares for each and every citizen irrespective of race, creed, age or background.

I was admitted to the Penang General Hospital and was in Ward A4 where the sister, nurses and haematologist Dr Goh took good care of me. Most of my battle for survival was fought here. 

After three chemotherapy sessions, I was transferred to the National Haematological Centre at the Ampang Hospital, Selangor, where I was treated by Dr Chang and his team.

I know life is short for me. Everything possible has been done for me, like more chemotherapy, a transplant and intensive care, regardless of who I am. 

In Ampang Hospital, this insignificant Malaysian Indian man was showered with so much of love and care. I met cancer patients from all over the country who prayed and shed tears of gratitude for the doctors and the leaders of this country.

There were patients of all races. We are only known as cancer patients. We pray for each other and rejoice when someone’s blood reading improves and cry when someone dies. Dr Chang and his team come to see us every day, even on Saturdays and Sundays.

Blood cancer patients need not despair if they do not have the means to go overseas, as our country offers the best available treatment. 

We have our own loving doctors and nurses to fight the battle with us. We are never alone although at times many of us feel like giving up.

I am indeed very proud to be a Malaysian for I know every citizen is accorded equal rights irrespective of race, religion or creed.

LEUKAEMIA PATIENT,
Sungai Petani, Kedah. 

It reminds me of one other submission I read a few months back when my father was first transferred to Singapore. I did an archive search and found it. Please read it below:-

Kudos to caring doctor

THIS letter is to bring to your attention the goodness and diligence of a doctor at Penang General Hospital (PGH). Dr Goh Ai Sim, the haematology specialist is an exemplary doctor and she is my dad’s doctor.

My dad has been a bladder cancer survivor for 10 years. His cancer recurred on Oct 30, 2006 and he was suspected to have leukaemia. He was immediately admitted into PGH and diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia and was administered his first course of chemotherapy treatment.

As head of the Haematology Department, Dr Goh still manages daily morning ward rounds.

Most times, she comes in the afternoon for ward rounds again. It is rare not to see her at the wards by 7.30am on Saturdays and Sundays.

This doctor gives nothing but the best treatment; not only in terms of medication, but her daily doctor-patient conversation is so much appreciated.

Her high expectations are reflected in her medical officers (namely Dr P.Y. Loh, the MO of my dad’s ward), housemen and team of ward nurses in A4. Everyone in her team provides excellent treatment and nursing care.

In February 2007, my dad was referred to Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (HUKM), Kuala Lumpur, as a potential stem cell transplant candidate. Dr Goh assisted in the transfer and continually follows up on my dad’s progress; this we found out recently.

After a successful stem cell harvest, my dad was home during the Worker’s Day holidays. We made a visit to PGH Daycare and met Dr Goh there.

She saw me (but not my dad standing behind her) and immediately asked her nurse to retrieve my dad’s medical file. This is a true doctor who remembers patients by name and not by medical case number!

As a doctor with 30-40 in-ward patients at any one time in PGH, her memory and dedication to each patient (in-patient and out-patient) is humbling and yet, awe-inspiring.

She is truly a first-class doctor.

If there is such a thing as a Doctor of the Year award, the least I can do is to nominate Dr Goh Ai Sim from Penang General Hospital.

OOI AI LING,

Penang. 

Maybe our perception of government hospitals need to change because there are a few good doctors out there but then again, who knows. Maybe blood patients and their families are just more grateful.

In Loving Memory - 3 Months

It’s been 3 months since my father passed away. I was thinking this morning how it’s only been 3 months. Quick but still feels like forever… and life just carries on. Very strange.

I still think of my father’s last moments on earth and I wonder what happened after he left his body? What did he see? What did he feel? Could he see us crying?

We visited my father’s grave on Monday (31st December 2007). It was a hot, sunny and long drive there but when we got out of the car to walk to my father’s resting place, clouds came up and it wasn’t sunny. When we started our journey home, the sun came out again.

Life has been different without Papa around.

Last night we had the New Years Party dinner. My mother couldn’t attend ‘cos she was feeling under the weather. Besides being ill, it’s still very difficult for her. Everybody seemed quite happy and jovial. Maybe they were trying to be happy.

We started off by singing one song, “Thank You, Jesus” and I couldn’t sing the song ‘cos I was trying to stifle a cry. Then when my uncle started praying, tears sprung to my eyes as he remembered my grandparents and now, my father. Especially when he remembered my father. My grandfather passed away on January 3 many many many years ago (the defining moment when I started worrying about the death of my parents) and my grandmother passed away in March many many years ago. I wonder if people noticed me dabbing my eyes after the prayer?

I didn’t really have an appetite and I had to worry about making sure my frozen chocolate covered bananas came down in time (which it didn’t) and also that my mom got fed (’cos I had to bring her food). To top it off, they had to play “Actionary” as a clan which was so difficult to sit through.

We played it many years ago and my father was always remembered for the word “Cheese” (which I don’t remember personally but other people do) which he acted out by pointing to my mother, pretending to eat something and waving his hands in front of his nose and doing a “it’s smelly” gesture. My mother hates cheese. I don’t think anyone got it and that’s why it’s so memorable. I think. 

The game last night was very long, draggy and noisy. It was like a typical fish market with 20 shrill and booming voices going at it all at once. I couldn’t quite enjoy it. I was sitting quite sullenly, looking at my uncles and aunties and thinking what it would have been like if my mom and dad were there. I couldn’t quite picture it. I had a hazy image of my dad, sitting and standing up with his mouth wide open laughing but nothing quite concrete…

Some times I wonder if all these feelings of sadness are self-imposed. I bet you there will be people in this world who believe, “Yes, you are only bringing this upon yourself”… but how can you not feel different when things have obviously changed?

Did I tell you about my sister’s Christmas gift to us? She made us all a 2008 calendar with pictures of our family in them…. of my father mainly. A really nice calendar. Staring at it makes me feel wistful.

This Christmas and New Year to us as a family was a non-event. I couldn’t even smile when I heard fireworks on New Years. It didn’t feel like Christmas and neither did it feel like a new year. My mother recalled last year’s new year when she and my dad went to church for the midnight watch service and then adjourned to my uncle’s place for supper. I remembered last year too. We drank sparkling juice and when my older sister and brother came home we went to my uncle’s place to eat too.

I have allowed myself a 3 month mourning period on this blog. I wish I had written more the past 3 months but it wasn’t easy to write. I wanted to do a video ‘cos I thought I’d be able to express myself better by just rambling on and on… but I didn’t do it. So from here on, like everything that moves on, I hope to slowly return to normal programming.

I still cannot believe it some times. That my father is no longer here on earth and that his body is 6 feet under. It is all so surreal.