31 Dec 07
Be first!
In Loving Memory - 2 Months 29 Days
I dreamt of my father last night talking to his brother who was taunting him. In my dream, my father was dead… and he was talking to his brother and telling him that he shouldn’t be so silly to think that just because he was dead, things would be different business wise. My father was saying something along the lines of, “Don’t think you’re so smart… that won’t happen…” His brother was saying how he was going to ask for twice as much in a sing-song kiddish manner. And my father was saying that is not possible and will not happen.
Managing grief is not easy. I try not to think of only myself at this time but also at how my mother and sisters feel. I worry some times when they don’t react in a certain way or when they don’t express their sadness. I get anxious if it seems like they have forgotten certain things. I worry then for my family if they may be feeling down and I can’t do anything about it.
From the 22nd - 25th of December, my family (all of us) flew to China to get away for Christmas. We didn’t want to be around to enjoy in the festivities. To us, we had no mood to celebrate because Papa was not around. there was no point in celebrating with our relatives because my father was not around Oddly, the relatives didn’t celebrate but waited for us to come back and have announced that there’ll be a New Years’ party instead. Although my heart feels very uncelebratory at the thought of it, I do not have the heart to say “no, I don’t want to attend” because maybe I am becoming like my father who never wanted to disappoint people. I would like to think that they are having this party at this time because we weren’t around to celebrate during Christmas and maybe we need it? They aren’t letting us escape. Haha. I guess it’s a good thing? I think my father would be quite sad if we didn’t attend because we are such party poopers.
I’ve tried my best over the last few months to be cheerier and more relaxed at parties… I have. Normally, I’m just a sullen character at parties. I’m not sure if people have noticed. What I’m trying to say is, I’m trying to be different because I know that first of all, my father always put up a brave front no matter what he was going through. For example, we celebrated Lantern Festival in Sept (the week before my father passed away) and he got to see his brothers and sisters ,nieces and nephews and he was already quite weak and tired… so I was trying to help him around but he pushed my hand away and wanted to do it himself - walk, get up … etc etc. I distinctly remembered how he didn’t want assistance. The point is, he put on a brave front so others wouldn’t see how sickly he was. If it was me, trust me, the whole world would know I am sick. Second, not for my father but for my sake… life doesn’t deserve so much negativity… but that’s me trying to be philosophical. I guess it is something I am doing for myself. Maybe I’m trying to attract positive energy myself… that’s what my father would have liked I think.
I’m trying to be more relaxed and cheerier in general. It ain’t easy. I’d rather grit and frown.
You know how people say “I am sure <insert dead person’s name/relation> would have wanted you to be happier and not be upset. I am sure <insert dead person’s name/relation> wouldn’t want you to be sad and would like you to move on? Or some crap like that. I was thinking today how would we know what the dead think right? Naturally as humans who have to continue to live on this place called earth, we’d like to think that once someone is no longer around we can rearrange the rules and come up with our own ideas. It’s only natural for us to do that. So how do we know what the dead person would have liked? Maybe we’d think back on how the person was when they were alive and then draw assumptions from there or we just think this is what they would have liked. What if the dead person actually wants you to think of him/her day and night? Or they don’t want you to move on just yet or they don’t want you to be happy without them? Ok that’s quite scary to think but what if.
When my father was very sick, we were filled with a lot of emotions. Up and down ones, stomach churning ones, lurching falling off the cliff types and we’d have sleepless nights worrying about his condition or what he ate, his many medications and symptoms… we were always trying to find a cure for my father be it temporal for his aches and pains or for his real problem and we’d worry and work ourselves out tirelessly trying our best to serve our father.
Once he passed though, suddenly it seems like nothing matters anymore. How did we ever muster those feelings up? Those feelings of worry and fear…. I shrug at the thought of it not knowing anymore how to stir the emotions up. I even question - did I really feel like that? Now that my father is not around anymore, life can be quite slow and aimless, ambling along as we wonder, well what is acute myeloid leukaemia exactly or the little details about pneumonia or the different types of treatment options? We forget how to treat a simple muscle ache but when my father was sick with muscle pain, we’d come up with all these ointments and medicinal bandages… if he felt nausea, we’d think of ways to alleviate the sickness… but now if you ask me how to alleviate my own nausea, I can’t be bothered… I hate it but I seriously cannot be bothered to do anything about it except moan and groan. When my father was tired and sleepy, we’d worry but now that I am tired and sleepy… I don’t care what it means or if there’s a meaning to begin with. And maybe that’s why life can suddenly seem so empty and meaningless when we’d been pushing ourselves for the whole year to help our father in every way. Now that he’s not here it feels like there’s nothing to do and how did we do it before?
I was reading the news and Benazir Bhutto’s son and husband have taken her place as political party head to lead her party to the elections and I think, “wow, these people have no time to mourn over the loss of their mother and wife. It’s not even been 3 days but they have to come up with press statements and conferences to announce of their next plans”. That must be very numbing for the family and I send my sincere wishes that they will, during this time, find time alone to reflect and to cry for the loss of a woman so dear to them.
Our experiences of grief are so different. Some of us are left with questions. When my father first fell ill, I thought, “Oh no, death sentence.” I had to remind myself too that life is like that… we aren’t dealt perfect cards. I had to remind myself that people die all the time and not only that but we don’t live forever. All of us will have to die some day whether we like it or not. We can’t run away from it. We can run away from most things. If we hate a job, leave it. If I hate a person, move away. But not with dying. Oh no… even Anthony Hopkin’s character in Meet Joe Black, who took Death on a tour of life couldn’t escape dying. And so, it was one of the things I said to myself over and over again.
28 Dec 07
In Loving Memory - 2 Months 26 Days
I’ve been ill the last few days, vomiting, diarrhea, fever, no appetite, nausea… and my father has been on my mind constantly as I think what he went through, when he was ill with fevers day in day out and it must’ve sucked so much for him. I feel terrible and it’s only been two days and he had to feel like this for so long.
He had so much strength to live as normally as he could, getting out of bed, getting dressed… that in itself is so amazing if you feel like crap. I mean, I couldn’t even bring myself to do that yesterday and today…
I still have no idea how my father had an appetite and how he could force himself to eat when he didn’t feel like it. I feel so floored and deflated. Yesterday, I was aching all over… headaches, dizziness, chills, even while laying down, my head spun. And I think, should I even be complaining?
I’m not sure if I’d be as strong as my father… having to go through sickness for so long. I thought of him when he had water build up in the sac surrounding his lungs… he must’ve been so uncomfortable but he suffered almost in silence and I think of the time my sister and I tried to alleviate the discomfort with minyak angin…
19 Dec 07
In Loving Memory - Butterfly & Dreams
Someone once told me that if you dream of someone after they’d passed, it means there’s a message they’ve come to give. If a butterfly (some times white) visits after someone has passed (Chinese believe it should be 7 days after they’ve passed), it means they’ve come to visit and to reassure you. I like that symbolism.
On the night after Papa’s funeral, my mother, sisters, brother-in-law and myself were sitting in our living room recollecting the events of the last few days, chilling out and watching tv (with no volume - in honour of my dad who watched action flicks and all sorts of things silently), when a pale, delicate green butterfly (and tiny, crippled, brown friend) came to visit us. It flew and sat infront of us on the carpet to catch our attention. We were pretty excited. It fluttered rested on the other side of the carpet after it had caught our attention, to give us more room to crowd around it. The butterfly stayed there for some time as we went up close to inspect and talk to it. The petite, gentle butterfly looked like a green leaf. I had never seen such a butterfly before.
It flew to a wall after my little sister touched it and after we disturbed it a bit more, it flew to another wall and stayed there till we went to sleep. I think the butterfly topped off our night and made us all happy.
The next day it was gone.
7 days after my father had passed, (it was a Tuesday also), my mother. little sister and I had just finished dinner and were lounging in our living room again when my little sister noticed a butterfly on the same spot (as the funeral night) in front of us on the carpet. My sister noticed it first and thought it was a leaf when she exclaimed, “it’s the same butterfly!” Once she said it, the butterfly fluttered and rested on the chair my father last sat on before he left for Singapore and passed away. The green butterfly was the same butterfly although it looked much older, a bit paler and browner and it had a bit of its wings chipped. It sat on that sofa chair all night and didn’t move for hours. My mother realised that it was 7 days after my father had passed. We were so excited and happy, my little sister and I. We sat next to it, talked to it and we even touched it a bit and it didn’t fly away.
We believe that butterfly was my dad or was sent by Papa to visit us and also to reassure us that he was ok. It was beautiful, definitely not scary at all.
Roughly two weeks after my father passed, I wrote the date down as October 23rd (so it was either the 22nd or 23rd), I dreamt of my father. He was lying in state in the carpark which meant the funeral was still in progress. In my dream, we were upstairs in our house, I walked in to see my father sitting on the sofa in our living room, in his pyjamas watching television. I asked him how come he was here and he said he had risen. Then I told him the funeral was downstairs but he said it was the 3rd day and he had risen. I was quite amazed. Not scared in my dream just pleased really, as realisation dawned. I asked him again a few more times and remember repeating to myself several times that it was the 3rd day and he had risen. It was quite incredible. He was alive and well upstairs in our house, hanging out with us while his body lay downstairs in the casket with visitors still coming to pay their respects. I think I asked him to go visit his guests downstairs but he stayed upstairs with us. When I woke up, the dream was still so real that Papa was alive and 3 days after he died, he had risen and was ok.
My older dreamt of him too a couple of weeks later, here is her e-mail on Nov 5, 2007:-
I had a really wonderful dream about papa last night. He was standing around us and hugging us and he looked really really happy. He was smiling and telling us that he can hear everything we say to him and that he’s happy. He looked great and just kept reassuring us that he is watching out for us and could hear everything we say to him. It’s the first time since he’s passed away that I had such a vivid dream about papa.
A few of my relatives and father’s friends mentioned that they dreamt of my father, all pleasant dreams.
If I recollect correctly, my aunty’s dream was of my father with his arm around her shoulders telling her he was ok (I think) and they went to look for my cousin. Another cousin of mine dreamt of my father in his favourite orange shirt taking her and their colleagues out for lunch. In her dream, they were aware he was no longer with them but they were all happy and he was smiling and joking and again, telling them he was ok.
Maybe there were other dreams that I was not aware of.
But it is comforting to note that the dreams and encounters were all pleasant, not oppressive but peaceful, joyful and serene. That Papa looked ok, intact and alive…not in pain but happy. 
17 Dec 07
In Loving Memory - 2 Months and 15 Days
When I was little till now, I had always said a standard prayer. “Heavenly Father, thank you for good weather today. Lord, please give us good health and keep us healthy… ”… that was one of the standard lines I said… every night…
Some people may feel that God had not kept his end of the bargain but I was never angry at God. I never raised my fists to God and scream, “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?!”
I remember thinking of that prayer when my father first fell sick.
Some people said that God had a purpose for my father to fall sick. Others condemned my father and said that he needed to renounce his sins and that he must have been quite the sinner for God to punish him. I was horrified at that statement. How could someone else judge and say that my father ‘deserved’ this sickness? Others said that it was a privilege to be sick because then you could be a testimony.
There were so many bible verses quoted out of context … if it were me, and maybe my father thought along these lines without ever expressing them … but if people said it to me, I would think in my mind, “Well, I don’t want to be privileged and I don’t want to be used by God…” and I would fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness to send the pain and suffering away…
I learned one thing throughout this whole process that no one deserves to go through pain and suffering. As much as we’d like to think that after accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour, our life will be fine and dandy and we might be spared from the consequences of sin, we are never spared. Sin is rampant in this world. It is passed on through generations, in the soil and air that we breathe. We can’t escape it. We can be trapped by sickness or by depression or by abuse or by other vices… life is like that.
All we really have is hope in God, the belief that Jesus Christ died on that cross to save us. That there is something better out there for us and after this life is over…
9 Dec 07
In Loving Memory - 2 Months and 7 Days
If some of you had come to my website a few days ago, you would have noticed that I had complained of my missing “In Loving Memory - 1 Month and 28 Days” post. My tech support helped retrieve it for me but in the process, deleting my “In Loving Memory - 2 Months and 1 Day” post. It’s ok though. The latter post was really just a recap of my lost but now found post.
It has been two months and my little sister and I visited my dad on Sunday (dec 2, 2007). It was a gorgeously hot and sunny day and normally, I’m not one for scorching weather. We took some pictures (with my brand new camera that I bought the day before) and had a ball of a time. I really liked it. Somehow to me, it felt very comfortable to be there by my father’s grave.
I have always wondered about people who say things like how they can feel their missing loved one around them or the spirit is close. I have never really felt that since Papa died. Some times it feels like he is out of the house, other times I tell myself he’s dead and he’s not coming back.
How can people say they feel the spirit of their loved one? I know my father has left and has gone somewhere else and I have to remind myself he is not coming back and that is the hard part.
I really miss talking to him about everything. I miss him being there to listen to us, to smile or to do his little antics. I miss him at dinner and I miss our little disagreements at dinner. They were fun and although other people couldn’t stand it, it was our way of communicating and it was over silly things too.
I miss dissecting events with my father and during the wake and funeral, I really felt the void he left because I wanted to tell him everything and discuss and talk about everything from how the wakes went, how we cried and who came and paid their respects to the casket and the floral arrangements to the white decorations.
I wanted my dad’s opinions on all these things and sadly, he wasn’t here to offer it. I wanted to hear his thoughts on the hearse stopping traffic and on the burial grounds and what he thought of the area and how he was related to the people who came. I miss all that. I really really wanted to talk to him then and to hear what he had to say. A few times I expected him to waltz through our front door, sit down and talk about what happened or to hear his voice when we were talking… oh, how I miss those sessions with him! It felt incomplete without his thoughts and comments.
Then we had a cousin’s wedding a few weeks later and it was hard to celebrate. I recall my cousin talking to my dad about his wedding plans way back on Papa’s birthday in the hospital and at the time I remember thinking, will Papa be able to attend? I wanted to talk to my dad about all that had happened there too, what could have been better or how much we enjoyed the buffet spread. It was at those moments, I missed him most…his presence during and after things have happened.
I miss him at home too. I miss him being at the computer table playing spider solitaire or watching tv or talking to Mama or getting ice cream or stealing a gulp from a soft drink. I miss him walking to the kitchen to get supper with his slippers and pyjamas. I miss watching sports with him and asking him silly questions about golf and watching breaking news with him… I miss him at the dinner table. I miss his voice.
Papa did a few things with us that he had never done with us before. In August, we went out to watch Rush Hour 3 together in Singapore. That was nice and quite pleasant even though we were on the 2nd front row. It was a funny movie.
The weekend before my father passed away, we watched Evan Almighty and Amazing Grace together. It was great. I learned so much from those movies about prayer, faith and living for God.
I some times wonder what went through my father’s head in the last few months. Did he know when he was going to die? Did he have an idea? Well he must’ve since he did tell my sister a few days before passing away, “I’m dying already…see, I cannot breathe”…
Was he excited to meet God? Was he thinking… what is it going to be like when I see God face to face? Was he ready?
We tried to watch a DVD called “Psalm 23″ too but it was really boring… to be honest. I won’t lie. We tried to watch it but had to stop it twice ‘cos we just couldn’t continue with it. And so we stopped the DVD to watch “The Break Up” and another movie that I forget now. Yes, The Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston was one of my father’s last movies he watched on Asto.
Those last few days, my father struggled so much to walk, to breathe, to stand… we helped my dad and he couldn’t say much but it was ok. We loved him enough and wanted him to just rest and take it easy but he still tried to do things on his own…
I think of him in his last month here with us, his readiness to leave because of the excrutiating pain and how tired he was of the endless hospital visits and the waves of bad news that he couldn’t shelter himself from or wish away. No, he had to stand there and let it bash and hurt him over and over. One can only take that much.
30 Nov 07
In Loving Memory - 1 Month and 28 Days
When I was really small, I never ever wanted my parents to die. EVER. I used to cry in bed thinking about them dying and how awful that would be… I think it was triggered by my grandfather’s death now that I think of it. The thought of my parents dying was unimaginable and I can recall quite vividly, crying and asking my older sister why? Why did people have to die? When would they die and how? I remember being so afraid and so very sad. And even as I was growing up, some times, the fear would grip me, what would I do without them? And I always thought they’d be there for me… right up to the end. Some times, I thought it was best if I died first so I wouldn’t have to see them die.
And who knew that my family would have to experience sickness? To be honest, I still don’t think we’ve been inflicted with anything too devastating. Maybe God was gracious enough to make it seem less painful and obvious. I’m not sure.
But that’s not right either. My father suffered a great deal … it was indescribable and what we must be thankful for was my father’s ability to forget pain. He forgot easily which helped a lot in the process. We would ask him, “Pa, do you remember this and that pain in the hospital from this time to that?” He’d say, “No, I don’t remember” and shrug. But it’s good, I guess. At least he didn’t dwell or fear the pain. It helped my dad live an almost normal life throughout his sickness.
17 Nov 07
In Loving Memory - 1 Month and 15 Days
My father was always a strong and active person. He was always springy. So when I saw my father in the last few months of his life, weak, tired and at times listless, I would be amazed and pretty taken aback because that was not Papa. I would some times wonder if my father was faking or exaggerating his lethargy because it seemed impossible that my father would be reduced to a shadow of his former self. He looked the same on the outside.
Although I talked of my father’s illness relentlessly to whoever might have the ear and heart for it; the treatment options, the procedures, the outcomes, the side effects, the “plan Bs”… deep in my heart, I tried not to let the illness define my father. He was always Papa to me.
I had always thought how pitiful and tragic the circumstance must be for families who had a sick family member. Yet, going through it, I never let it define our family. What we did was perfectly normal - hospitals were completely normal and untoward… clinic visits, doctors, nurses, medicines, pill boxes, chemotherapy, tubes, catheters, intravenous drips, lines, antibiotics, x-rays, blood tests, syringes, haemoglobin, white blood cells, platelets, transfusions, wards … people do this everyday, don’t they? It felt very normal.
As an outsider looking in, what did it look like? I am sure they felt a multitude of emotions - scorn, anguish, pity, sympathy, empathy, sadness, glee, gratefulness, relief, jealousy, envy, anxiety, caution, sympathy…just to name a few…
I never wanted people to pity our situation and most importantly, I never wanted people to pity my father or make him feel worse than he was already feeling. It was just too negative and at a time like this, we should only be positive.
I never wanted people to single out my father and make it seem as if he was abnormal, different and sick. It aggravated me when people would come visiting and stand at a distance or tower over my father while he was lying down because it meant they were well and he was not. I wished people could have acted more normal around my father. Some of them did and I have to thank them for it.
But then again, what was normal? I too, some times restricted people from going near my father because of his low immunity.
My father must have found this so difficult when people acted different around him. He acted as normal as he could when he had visitors and even though he was suffering, he put on a really brave face. I was thinking the emotional turmoil he must have gone through when he had to stay alone at the hospital at night. He must have gone through all kinds of emotions from intense fear to sadness and yet, he never thought of himself but his family, asking us to go home and sleep even though I am sure he would have liked our company.
11 Nov 07
In Loving Memory - 1 Month and 9 Days Anniversary
I cannot believe it has been one month and a bit since my father passed away.
I have dreaded this moment. The process has been difficult and although I sit here everyday for a few hours staring at my text editor, nothing really comes out. I feel uneasy and the recesses of my mind feel clogged. Although I can easily allow my thoughts to run freely, I choose not to let it thus torturing myself. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to express. Everyday, I think of what to write - I think of my father at the hospital, I think of my father at home, I think of my father with us, I think of my mother, I think of my sisters and brother in law, I think and think and think. Phrases form in my head, “I gotta write it down”, words come to mind, “I got to jot that down before I forget” and yet, I willingly let it slip from me because I struggle to pen it down, to type it out.
I have not written about anything else even though I could so easily have. I have a backlog of pending discussions but I wanted to dedicate this month to my father - as a sign of respect and mourning.
I had never realised how endearing the phrase “In Loving Memory” was until my dad passed. Previously, that phrase meant nothing to me, zilch, but now it has taken on a whole different meaning, a whole different perspective.
I have never experienced grief like this before. Grief that has rendered me speechless. It is easy for any of us to feel sad for a celebrity who has died or for someone who is in the public eye because you can be caught up with the public display of emotion and shock that is riding the grief but it is nothing more.
However, when it is your father who dies, words cannot begin to express what you feel.
Since my father got diagnosed, I have never talked about the illness openly on my blog. I did allude to it but I made a conscious effort not to talk about it though my father was on my mind constantly.
Here are some of the links from this year that you may want to return to:-
- Charlotte’s Web - The Cycle of Life
- Catch & Release - Life After Death
- Where have all the male nurses gone?
- For You Alone Deserve the Glory
- Should Christians & Atheists not care about the afterlife?
And from last year :-
25 Oct 07
In Loving Memory - Mama’s Eulogy
Mama’s eulogy she read at Papa’s wake:-
Firstly, I would like to thank all of you very much for coming tonight. Pok Suan would have been so happy to see all of you because he used to love large gatherings with friends and family. I never knew how many lives Pok Suan had quietly touched during his lifetime until some of you came up to me and my daughters to tell us the little things that he had done for you and how much you appreciated his goodness, friendship, honesty and warmth. Thank you for sharing all your memories with me.
I want to thank all my brothers and sisters in-law, nieces and nephews who planned everything over the last 2 days. And to all my dear friends and family who have shown love and concern through heartfelt and powerful prayers. Thank you all for your emotional support by visiting Pok Suan at home and in the hospital, for bringing him good food and nutrition, for offering to run our errands for us and for cheering him up when he was feeling low. I want to especially thank Koon Swan and Penny who were with us every step of the way since 2005. I feel so blessed to know that so many people really loved Pok Suan.
During the last few months, both Pok Suan and I experienced God’s very real presence and abundant love in countless small miracles. We prayed and read the bible together and really grew in the Lord together. We were so encouraged by the extent of God’s love for us shown in Deuteronomy 1:31 – “like a man who carries a son”, and also in Deuteronomy 2:7 – “In God, we lack nothing”.
It was not easy towards the end but I have no regrets over all that had transpired as I have spent the last 2 years with him, constantly caring for him and making sure that I gave only my best to Pok Suan. He was a very good husband to me and a wonderful father to our daughters and I give God all honour, praise and glory for giving me a wonderful husband to share my life with over the past 31 years. We have all shared his love and friendship and God loves him so much that he deserves a better life of no suffering. I thank the Lord for receiving Pok Suan into His arms and I know that he is in much better care in His heavenly home.
25 Oct 07
In Loving Memory - Mama’s Eulogy
Mama’s eulogy she read at Papa’s wake:-
Firstly, I would like to thank all of you very much for coming tonight. Pok Suan would have been so happy to see all of you because he used to love large gatherings with friends and family. I never knew how many lives Pok Suan had quietly touched during his lifetime until some of you came up to me and my daughters to tell us the little things that he had done for you and how much you appreciated his goodness, friendship, honesty and warmth. Thank you for sharing all your memories with me.
I want to thank all my brothers and sisters in-law, nieces and nephews who planned everything over the last 2 days. And to all my dear friends and family who have shown love and concern through heartfelt and powerful prayers. Thank you all for your emotional support by visiting Pok Suan at home and in the hospital, for bringing him good food and nutrition, for offering to run our errands for us and for cheering him up when he was feeling low. I want to especially thank Koon Swan and Penny who were with us every step of the way since 2005. I feel so blessed to know that so many people really loved Pok Suan.
During the last few months, both Pok Suan and I experienced God’s very real presence and abundant love in countless small miracles. We prayed and read the bible together and really grew in the Lord together. We were so encouraged by the extent of God’s love for us shown in Deuteronomy 1:31 – “like a man who carries a son”, and also in Deuteronomy 2:7 – “In God, we lack nothing”.
It was not easy towards the end but I have no regrets over all that had transpired as I have spent the last 2 years with him, constantly caring for him and making sure that I gave only my best to Pok Suan. He was a very good husband to me and a wonderful father to our daughters and I give God all honour, praise and glory for giving me a wonderful husband to share my life with over the past 31 years. We have all shared his love and friendship and God loves him so much that he deserves a better life of no suffering. I thank the Lord for receiving Pok Suan into His arms and I know that he is in much better care in His heavenly home.
